Calling

So, I haven’t written in the blog for days and now I’m getting guilty and that just makes things more difficult. I start thinking I’m somehow betraying somebody or myself because I feel this supposed to vibe.

Of course it’s me giving it out, maybe all the time, thinking there’s always something I’m supposed to be doing that I’m not. The problem is I think that’s accurate, that there’s always some call I’m not heeding, always some lack in myself. Understandable seeing I am a finite being and woefully incapable of understanding everything and, to my way of thinking, it’s kind of silly to think I’m not screwing something up, proceeding with not enough information down a path with a fork in the road every time I blink.

I mean, isn’t it true? I face countless decisions every day, probably most of which I don’t even take the time to notice I’ve decided anything at all, doing things because that’s the way I do them, living life with a mostly unconscious, barely examined, or even acknowledged pride in my own way of thinking.

I am a man, after all. I’ve been around the block more then a few times and have gained a certain amount of street smarts, some bit of gut instinct that, in all honesty, has helped out quite a bit over the years. However, the statement falls apart if examined even a little bit. We do not use the words we use by accident. They have meaning beyond our intended discourse. To use a literary term, we are unreliable narrators of our own stories, leavening unintended clues behind often disclosing the opposite of what we claim. This phrase, “I’ve been around the block a few times,” used to convey a wider understanding then that of the average Joe, totally misses the fact “Been around the block” is a uniquely individual and local event and fails to acknowledge the wider world I have not been around. It doesn’t matter how big the block is, it’s still just my block lived in isolation. The truth is, everything I know is suspect.

The truth is I will never have enough information, will never run out of things I’m supposed to be doing, there will always be something I’m called to that I haven’t started yet, always a place to go He will show me.

That’s a good thing. It would be kind of boring otherwise, don’t you think?